Unfortunately, part of this plan to move my life to Hollywood includes, well, moving. It’s an ugly process. I’m not sure if anyone actually enjoys it. Especially when moving also includes finding a place to move to. It’s stressful, busy and time-consuming.

The apartment hunt has not been a fun process. And the past few weeks of trying to get the church up and running, find a place to live, and figure out many other life details while keeping up with various events has been one of the most stressful times in my life that I can remember.

I have to admit, though, that I’ve learned some valuable lessons along the way, and quite a bit  about myself….

1)  God gives unexplainable peace about certain people or situations that shouldn’t be ignored.

A few months ago, I started looking with an acquaintance from Broken Hearts who was interested in moving, but not sure it’s where God was calling her. Through the process of considering rooming together and looking around, she and I had the opportunity to get to know each other much better, which I am very grateful for. That never would have happened otherwise. But I was very excited at the thought of living with her, because we got along easily and our approach to ministry was very similar. I thought it was just what I was looking for in a roommate…but I always had in the back of my mind a nagging feeling that it wasn’t going to work out. I was right.  Though she wanted to, she decided she couldn’t  make the move.

I was pretty bummed out, even though I had to admit that I’d had  a feeling that would happen. It meant that I once again had to start a mad search to find a roommate and a place to live. Trying many sources and options, nothing seemed to pan out until someone I know from The Hollywood Church connected me with one of his friends who attends there also. From the first Facebook message, I just had a good feeling about it, even though I’d never met her.

After meeting a few weeks later, and taking a night to pray, we decided to move forward with living together. I did pray, but I just had a sense of peace and “rightness” about it and just kind of knew to go ahead with this option in front of me. Which is weird for me, because I’ve always hated the idea of living with someone I don’t know.

After days and days and days of looking together and separately, at what I felt like was every single apartment in Hollywood, we found many we liked. But we either didn’t agree on the place, or it just had enough negatives that it didn’t seem worth it. About a week before I absolutely had to move, we looked at a place where the manager was hungover when he showed us the place. It was also a spot on the bottom floor, right next to the street with a secured entrance, but still very exposed to everything. Nothing about that should have felt okay to me…I hate both lower units and being exposed in an apartment complex. But it just didn’t really bother me. A few more days of looking, and still nothing better came across our path. So we decided to apply. It’s not something I would have thought I’d have chosen…but I have peace about it. 

2) I’m like a spoiled 3 year-old at times. And it needs to change.

While whining at God, I realized I had moments where I’d get frustrated with Him (see #3) as well as  my future roommate for not agreeing with me, and with my current roommate for things she was expressing about moving out that didn’t fit what I wanted. The harder things got, the more I realized I was getting really upset with people for not being who I wanted them to be. I wasn’t getting what I wanted, and it was making me frustrated and upset. A pretty embarrassing realization.

Though I’m generally agreeable and easy-going, it also revealed to me that, deeper down, I expect that niceness to give me what I want. And when things don’t go my way, I get mad, prideful, selfish, and whiny. I think I expect everyone to think and act the way I do, and when they express their own desires, I look down on them because they’re not thinking like me. Not fun to see about myself, but at least I have a better idea now of how I need God’s help…and how gracious he’s been to me for,well, forever.

3) Trusting God means trusting His will and on His terms.

I started out with great faith. “God’s going to provide” was pretty much my motto (and was pretty proud of how trusting I was being, since I typically only rely on myself). But I thought that meant he was going to provide like He usually does for me…early, and in abundance.  Even the roommate hunt took much longer than I’d like, but it still ended early enough. But my original plan was to move out at the end of February. I put my 30-day notice in in faith, trusting that God would provide. The end of February came, and I had nothing. So I extended my lease. Commence twinge of distrust of God…

My new move-out date became March 15th. Two more weeks would be ample time to find an apartment and move out without having to pay too much rent. My “drop-dead” date for finding an apartment kept getting pushed back. My current roommate had put in her 30-day notice to end March 21st, so I knew I didn’t technically have to be out until then, but that was worst case scenario.

As days dragged on and the new roommate and I couldn’t find anything we both liked and could afford, more distrust of God built. My deadlines passed and I had to wonder what was going on. I asked, begged, pleaded, and demanded from God what I believed he had to provide. I was stepping out in faith, trusting him to give me what I needed…and he wasn’t living up to his end of the “bargain”.

Then finally, we found two places we liked at the same time. After a night to pray and decide, we chose and applied for one. I was sure that was it, where God must be leading us since it seemed to be working out. Two days later, we found out it had already been taken. Our second choice was taken as well…. Cue freaking out and major stress with a touch of  bitterness. I thought that’s what God had for us -  we’d prayed, we both felt peace about it. Why didn’t God give us the home we wanted? And didn’t he know I had  a deadline?

A week passed, without much luck, and I realized I might actually have to use my back-up plan of staying with family nearby. Then they told me that I couldn’t live with them for at least two weeks, and even then they didn’t have room to store my stuff.  My solid Plan B fell through.

The final week leading up to my lease-end,  we finally found a place we liked and decided if we didn’t find anything better, we’d apply.  Those prayers of mine and SO many others that God would provide exactly what we needed, something wonderful with everything we wanted at a low price, etc…well, weren’t exactly answered. We found a good place. But it didn’t beat all expectations. It’s great, but it’s not where I would have picked right away.

Everyone, including myself, said that God would provide and he had it all set up for me and knew just what I needed. But time passed and it seemed like he forgot and ignored me. I got bitter for not meeting my expectations.

This weekend, my devotions and church were about the crucifixion. I realized what God went through for me. I realized that all of the people standing around that cross demanded God to be who they thought he should be. And He didn’t live up.

He did something else that didn’t make sense, but truly was best. I felt like  that person standing at the cross telling him to come down if He really was God. Saying that He wasn’t actually God if he didn’t do what they expected of Him. I didn’t want to be that person.   I realized in light of what matters, and what he did, that I was acting like a spoiled little kid whining about not getting what I want and telling him to behave the way I wanted. As if not having the perfect apartment was the end of the world.

Yep, these are pretty humbling realizations to share. But they clearly stem out of pride, and hiding them and keeping them secret just allows that pride to build in me.

Anyway, the end result is this: 2 days before I HAD to move (my lease would be up), I got a call from the apartment manager saying we were approved. We got more than a month free of rent. And the timing kind of worked better for me in that I won’t have to live by myself for 2 weeks, but for only a few days before my new roommate moves in.

This Saturday, I will officially be a resident of the city of Hollywood! Thank you God…and thanks for your unending patience and grace with me!